I am puke
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
