Just cropdusted the office
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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