just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
