wanna go halves on a baby?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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