I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Less talking, more tequila
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
