I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
