When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
