One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
