Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
pop tarts are not kleenex
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
