Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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