I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
