I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
