I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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