Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
