Yo dont text me then not text me
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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