There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize