i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
