Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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