i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
