too bad you live with your parents still
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
