you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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