I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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