I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
