I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
