That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
