I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
