I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
ttyl tear gas
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
