Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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