one word: firstdatebathroomanal
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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