Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
