I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
