She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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