I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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