The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
