The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
