I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
