Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize