Moan for me like Helen Keller
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
