I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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