Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
