I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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