I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
