I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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