omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
