The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
