New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
