My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
