Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
