If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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