So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
