if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
