I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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