He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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