He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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