her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
