I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
