we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize