I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
