The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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